Cast
Animal Characters with Anthropomorphic features
Animal Characters with Anthropomorphic features
v Lion Leonine
v Lioness Leonine
v Cub Leonine
v Tortoise
v Reptila Lizarae
v Eleph- parchydermia
v Chameleonus
Human
Characters
v Frust (from the word
‘Frustration’).
v Goblin
v Grump
v Manager
v Police officers (1 & 2)
v Strangers (1 & 2)
v Security
v A lady
v Men in black
v A voice
Prologue
Firsts Motion-Page
Enters Frust from one corner of
the stage. He walks in fury howling and kicking very miserably.
Frust: /grumbles very sheepishly/
Goblin: what’s the matter with thee Frust?
Frust: a fork! A fork!
Goblin: what fork?
Frust: I need a fork for that big name Union of a Base Australopithecal curmudgeon!!!
Goblin: speak not in the tongues of the dead as of the semiotic graphs or the Sanskrit of the
mundane oldish.
Frust: /flings himself to and fro, more furiously/ stupid things!
Goblin: Frust?!
Frust: empty hogs, with pelican mouths and disastrous bellies
Goblin: Frust?!
Frust: bird-brain cyborgs and poikilothermic species of parasitic viruses
Goblin: Frust?!
Frust: An ancient wishy-washy family of clad baboons- apes in suits and donkeys in
shoes.
Goblin: Frust?!
Frust: A sect of parliamentary fools, congeries of omens which by an antediluvian scry-
shall serve as STDs and ulcerous boon to futurity lights.
Goblin: Frust?
Frust: what!!! /There is silence for awhile/.
Goblin: what is it that troubles you?
Frust: the Unfaithful cyanophyta Barbarians of an Asp.
Goblin: who?
Frust: You mean who or what?
Goblin: okay, who or what.
Frust: the United Bad-luck of Africa.
Goblin: UBA?
Frust: Yes, UBA: Ungraceful Boors and Apollyons.
Goblin: why all this?
Frust: out of service!!!
Goblin: UBA?
Frust: out of service!!!
Goblin: the bank?
Frust: out of service!
Goblin: or the staff of the bank?
Frust: out of service!
Goblin: I’m confused, my dear friend. Who or what has been out of service?
Frust: everything and everybody.
Goblin: Such as?
Frust: the bank, the workers, the machines- the ATM- the bricks, glasses, gates,
internal appliances, every body et cetera, everything, et cetera.
Goblin: but how come?
Frust: see, there is no time for how how has been how. Give me the devil’s fork that I may
stake them all.
Goblin: need you not a Molotov cocktail?
Frust: very wise of you! In fact, that should do for another Casino orgy of some Boko-Haram
kamikaze guillotine ops.
Goblin: wait a minute Frust: you seem too frustrated.
Frust: mighty pestered!
Goblin: how come?
Frust: I will tell you. / He ahems as he begins/
Shrunk was I just the morning (some unimaginable hours) after which the debauch sages
of the school had failed their obligations to cure our perplexities. As it occurred, hunger
and fatigue had nearly got me demented. And so very quickly, I left straight to
Hell-UBA to withdraw just N500. But of a truth, I couldn’t, since a thousand had new
become the very least amount three of the ATMs were instructed to dispense, while
the very last one, ordered to dispense N500, as th least amount, was on vacation…
Goblin: /soliloquy/ but why should the N500 option still be part of those instructed to dispense
N1000 as the least amount?
Frust: Soon afterwards, I started out to the Zenith -hell-hole of a- bank to fornicate (for I shall
not say ‘to withdraw’), since my shameless UBA husband of a bank (worthless,
shameless and valueless) had already been ‘Unreasonably Bootless and Austere’. So,
getting there, (to Zenith bank), I slotted my card, expecting a cool hot dosh. But alack!
The idiot said, ‘transaction complete’, without even giving me my N500. You know how
distant the UBA is from the Zenith, aside gauging the distance by the charring sun ray of
Iworoko. Despite the hot sun, which nearly got me fainted, as a result of the banbi
-Allah sort of a walk I did embrace that hour, I still had to walk back to that /stammers/
that…/covers his face, nods, and stammers/ that…that…/covers his face/ oh Jacob! You
should have seen the way I was pirouetting like one covetous rat that just came out of a
pool of whisky. Anyway, I actually got back to my husband, not to withdraw this time
but to kvetch! After my complaint, he the tied and coated son of an ape wouldn’t even
look at me or care for me…too proud and ugly..! He said, ‘come back after twenty four
hours!’ Kai, my damned soul! Didn’t they complicate the whole issue when they made
N1000 the least, for most of the ATMs, leaving one wrecked, death-ripe ATM for N500.
We are not workers, for Christ sake, but students, undergraduates. Most of us live far
away form campus. With what did he expect me to transport back home: a Wicca’s
magic broom stick? Maybe he does need know that my legs are not made of a tractor
-trailer’s. This thing I’m telling you is just a little grievous recount of their effluvia, I
confess. Come meet the old tortoise on Monday and you will see what his sage is like.
What has he put in and out! They are all out of service. They all go out of service when
we are always giving our services to him. Too Brutish!
Goblin: British?
Frust: anyhow…all join.
Goblin: anything more about UBA?
Frust: Unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the bank?
Frust: unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the staff of the bank?
Frust: unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the ATM?
Frust: unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the bricks and glasses?
Frust: unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the gate man and the piteously porous gate?
Frust: (those capitalist’s helots) unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: /bewildered/ so the UBA be the poorest and wretchedest?
Frust: correct!
Goblin: avaricious but stingy.
Frust: correct!
Goblin: too old, capitalistic and wicked
Frust: correct!
Goblin: and that’s it?
Frust: at least you should make ready to pay either N500 or N1000 for just a leaf of the
withdrawal booklet, if you did lost yours or forgot to bring it.
Goblin: /jockeying him/ you don’t mean it.
Frust: That’s just the least. You want to know UBA, Zenith, Access here, fix your navigation to
Mondays, though the other days might not be excluded because surprises are not
wanting thereat. But basically, the ATMs… /taps his temple/.
Goblin: so if the ATMs are just a congeries of Tokunbos, worm-eaten jalopies, out of service or
unable to dispense cash it, means the bankers too are the same.
Frust: aye (all join).
Goblin: Now I see why you have raised such an Umpteen Ballistic upon the Acronym.
Frust: correct!
Goblin: alright, what shall we do?
Frust: unleash a curse upon it!
Goblin: by thunder or lightning?
Frust: anything me dear, anything!
Goblin: well, maybe we purge (as a display of mercy).
Frust: Tut! Tut! Tut! They show none when they sit under their snowy cave while we
stand under the sun, out of service!
Goblin: so, does this imply we make the workers out of service plus the bank?
Frust: no! That shall be worse still.
Goblin: then what shall we do?
Frust: thou art a demon. Thou knowest what to do.
Goblin: what?
Frust: Torment them! Torment them!
A voice: Thou art an accursed buffoon, Frust. Dost thou not know that it is he the self-same
Goblin which is charged for disturbing thee and the other customers?
Frust: what! /turns to the gob/ehn, ehn! So you are the oun ta se ti ile fi jo no eh?
Goblin: what?
Frust: you want to play the trickster. Thou fiendish goblin! Eh?
Goblin: for what?
Frust: do not wonder wards, I shall kill you all by myself!
Goblin: why the sudden change?
Frust: you shall sit there only to watch and see as your happy children breed this evil
record and at the same time, loose their fame and worship.
Watch and see as we put them out of service and marry ourselves to other
matured banks.
Watch and see as we refuse to dispense our cash to them- the most highly kingly
reckoned Useless Bank of Africa. /As he attempts to catch the goblin, the goblin freezes
him. He only regains consciousness, when the goblin has left the stage/.
Frust: /bewildered/ what happened to me?
Goblin: what’s the matter with thee Frust?
Frust: a fork! A fork!
Goblin: what fork?
Frust: I need a fork for that big name Union of a Base Australopithecal curmudgeon!!!
Goblin: speak not in the tongues of the dead as of the semiotic graphs or the Sanskrit of the
mundane oldish.
Frust: /flings himself to and fro, more furiously/ stupid things!
Goblin: Frust?!
Frust: empty hogs, with pelican mouths and disastrous bellies
Goblin: Frust?!
Frust: bird-brain cyborgs and poikilothermic species of parasitic viruses
Goblin: Frust?!
Frust: An ancient wishy-washy family of clad baboons- apes in suits and donkeys in
shoes.
Goblin: Frust?!
Frust: A sect of parliamentary fools, congeries of omens which by an antediluvian scry-
shall serve as STDs and ulcerous boon to futurity lights.
Goblin: Frust?
Frust: what!!! /There is silence for awhile/.
Goblin: what is it that troubles you?
Frust: the Unfaithful cyanophyta Barbarians of an Asp.
Goblin: who?
Frust: You mean who or what?
Goblin: okay, who or what.
Frust: the United Bad-luck of Africa.
Goblin: UBA?
Frust: Yes, UBA: Ungraceful Boors and Apollyons.
Goblin: why all this?
Frust: out of service!!!
Goblin: UBA?
Frust: out of service!!!
Goblin: the bank?
Frust: out of service!
Goblin: or the staff of the bank?
Frust: out of service!
Goblin: I’m confused, my dear friend. Who or what has been out of service?
Frust: everything and everybody.
Goblin: Such as?
Frust: the bank, the workers, the machines- the ATM- the bricks, glasses, gates,
internal appliances, every body et cetera, everything, et cetera.
Goblin: but how come?
Frust: see, there is no time for how how has been how. Give me the devil’s fork that I may
stake them all.
Goblin: need you not a Molotov cocktail?
Frust: very wise of you! In fact, that should do for another Casino orgy of some Boko-Haram
kamikaze guillotine ops.
Goblin: wait a minute Frust: you seem too frustrated.
Frust: mighty pestered!
Goblin: how come?
Frust: I will tell you. / He ahems as he begins/
Shrunk was I just the morning (some unimaginable hours) after which the debauch sages
of the school had failed their obligations to cure our perplexities. As it occurred, hunger
and fatigue had nearly got me demented. And so very quickly, I left straight to
Hell-UBA to withdraw just N500. But of a truth, I couldn’t, since a thousand had new
become the very least amount three of the ATMs were instructed to dispense, while
the very last one, ordered to dispense N500, as th least amount, was on vacation…
Goblin: /soliloquy/ but why should the N500 option still be part of those instructed to dispense
N1000 as the least amount?
Frust: Soon afterwards, I started out to the Zenith -hell-hole of a- bank to fornicate (for I shall
not say ‘to withdraw’), since my shameless UBA husband of a bank (worthless,
shameless and valueless) had already been ‘Unreasonably Bootless and Austere’. So,
getting there, (to Zenith bank), I slotted my card, expecting a cool hot dosh. But alack!
The idiot said, ‘transaction complete’, without even giving me my N500. You know how
distant the UBA is from the Zenith, aside gauging the distance by the charring sun ray of
Iworoko. Despite the hot sun, which nearly got me fainted, as a result of the banbi
-Allah sort of a walk I did embrace that hour, I still had to walk back to that /stammers/
that…/covers his face, nods, and stammers/ that…that…/covers his face/ oh Jacob! You
should have seen the way I was pirouetting like one covetous rat that just came out of a
pool of whisky. Anyway, I actually got back to my husband, not to withdraw this time
but to kvetch! After my complaint, he the tied and coated son of an ape wouldn’t even
look at me or care for me…too proud and ugly..! He said, ‘come back after twenty four
hours!’ Kai, my damned soul! Didn’t they complicate the whole issue when they made
N1000 the least, for most of the ATMs, leaving one wrecked, death-ripe ATM for N500.
We are not workers, for Christ sake, but students, undergraduates. Most of us live far
away form campus. With what did he expect me to transport back home: a Wicca’s
magic broom stick? Maybe he does need know that my legs are not made of a tractor
-trailer’s. This thing I’m telling you is just a little grievous recount of their effluvia, I
confess. Come meet the old tortoise on Monday and you will see what his sage is like.
What has he put in and out! They are all out of service. They all go out of service when
we are always giving our services to him. Too Brutish!
Goblin: British?
Frust: anyhow…all join.
Goblin: anything more about UBA?
Frust: Unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the bank?
Frust: unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the staff of the bank?
Frust: unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the ATM?
Frust: unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the bricks and glasses?
Frust: unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: the gate man and the piteously porous gate?
Frust: (those capitalist’s helots) unable to dispense cash!
Goblin: /bewildered/ so the UBA be the poorest and wretchedest?
Frust: correct!
Goblin: avaricious but stingy.
Frust: correct!
Goblin: too old, capitalistic and wicked
Frust: correct!
Goblin: and that’s it?
Frust: at least you should make ready to pay either N500 or N1000 for just a leaf of the
withdrawal booklet, if you did lost yours or forgot to bring it.
Goblin: /jockeying him/ you don’t mean it.
Frust: That’s just the least. You want to know UBA, Zenith, Access here, fix your navigation to
Mondays, though the other days might not be excluded because surprises are not
wanting thereat. But basically, the ATMs… /taps his temple/.
Goblin: so if the ATMs are just a congeries of Tokunbos, worm-eaten jalopies, out of service or
unable to dispense cash it, means the bankers too are the same.
Frust: aye (all join).
Goblin: Now I see why you have raised such an Umpteen Ballistic upon the Acronym.
Frust: correct!
Goblin: alright, what shall we do?
Frust: unleash a curse upon it!
Goblin: by thunder or lightning?
Frust: anything me dear, anything!
Goblin: well, maybe we purge (as a display of mercy).
Frust: Tut! Tut! Tut! They show none when they sit under their snowy cave while we
stand under the sun, out of service!
Goblin: so, does this imply we make the workers out of service plus the bank?
Frust: no! That shall be worse still.
Goblin: then what shall we do?
Frust: thou art a demon. Thou knowest what to do.
Goblin: what?
Frust: Torment them! Torment them!
A voice: Thou art an accursed buffoon, Frust. Dost thou not know that it is he the self-same
Goblin which is charged for disturbing thee and the other customers?
Frust: what! /turns to the gob/ehn, ehn! So you are the oun ta se ti ile fi jo no eh?
Goblin: what?
Frust: you want to play the trickster. Thou fiendish goblin! Eh?
Goblin: for what?
Frust: do not wonder wards, I shall kill you all by myself!
Goblin: why the sudden change?
Frust: you shall sit there only to watch and see as your happy children breed this evil
record and at the same time, loose their fame and worship.
Watch and see as we put them out of service and marry ourselves to other
matured banks.
Watch and see as we refuse to dispense our cash to them- the most highly kingly
reckoned Useless Bank of Africa. /As he attempts to catch the goblin, the goblin freezes
him. He only regains consciousness, when the goblin has left the stage/.
Frust: /bewildered/ what happened to me?
Curtain
closed
Second Motion page
/There is a public toilet by one side of the stage. Two men rush out of a little house from the other side of the stage and try compete for the toilet/.
/There is a public toilet by one side of the stage. Two men rush out of a little house from the other side of the stage and try compete for the toilet/.
Frust: what’s that you are
holding
Grump: my ticket to Bombey.
Frust: Bombey? Don’t tell me you are going to that toilet over there.
Grump: Of course, and don’t think about it because it’s got to be monopolized all but by me.
Frust: I see /both rush off to the toilet and bang/
both: who is inside?
Manager: I
both: you, who?
Manager: I said I, idiots? (Growls).
Frust: You better get out of there fast before I…
Grump: you mean, before I… /patting his buttocks/
Frust: /ignores him/ …before I explode everything here.
Manager: you’re free to come in and eat my shit, gall-gaud!
Frust: You’re waiting time. Open up!
Manager: out of service.
both: what! Frust: o God!
Grump: shit!
Frust: what’s your problem in there? Uhn!
Manager: I’m unable to dispense;
both: unable to dispense?
Grump: are you okay at all?
Manager: I’m having Jedi.
Frust: so you are out of service
unable to dispense
jedi, uhn?
Manager: o yeah!
Frust: o Abraham, Isaac & Jacob! You’re such a regal pain in the ass
Grump: /bends down holding his stomach screams/ yeah!
Manager: who is that?
Frust: a pregnant woman.
Manager: what? A pregnant woman?
Frust: yes, a pregnant woman. Right now, she is so pressed that she needs to give birth.
Grump: you imbecilic hog!
Frust: carrot-head.
Grump: gluttonous heifer.
Frust: hungry calf
Grump: how dear you?
Manager: but that’s a man’s voice.
Both: keep shut and do quick!
Manager: /after a short silence/ do you realise whom you are speaking with?
Frust: o yes, a monkish goblin dieing in a john of an acidulous monastery.
Manager: may God punish you!
Frust: and you too…
Manager: feed you with maggots.
Frust: back to the sender.
Grump: All of you shut up! I want to defecate here. Please
Manager: you can do that outside, naughty bag of fufu.
Grump: so you think you can talk ehn?
Manager: yes of course, as long as I’m the manager of this toilet right now.
Frust: common Grumpy, we waist too much time here. Go and get me that gargantuan sledge
hammer, so that we can break the damn door upon his shit face.
Grump: You mean the one we use for breaking rocks?
Frust: exactly
Grump: But I won’t be able to carry it.
Frust: why not?
Grump: my faeces have almost got to the pick of my bom-bom and if I should bend much to lift
it with much energy, I may pooh on my pant.
Frust: Lazy louse!
Grumpy: same to you.
Frust: okay, stay here and keep close tabs on the rotten doughnut, while I bring the hammer.
Just don’t let him escape /goes into the room to the room to bring the hammer/.
Grumpy: copy that!
Manager: what are you boys trying to do?
Frust: you wait and see /drags the hammer/.
Grump: now the saviour is come
Frust: Jesus Christ! This thing is too heavy.
Manager: I warn you. It’s better you bear with me till am settled.
Grumpy: for how long?
Frust: you leave him alone. I’m coming right there not to only break the toilet, but to also smash
him to pieces, so that even his fossils will never be seen for countless years, not even the
three- star palaeontologist would ever get to know it.
Manager: Please, don’t do that. I beg you don’t break this thing, that God may pardon
breaking you.
Grumpy: fairy tales /Frust gets to the door and attempts to break it/.
Frust: help me Grump. /they lift the hammer and hit it upon the door. There is a blast of the
manager’s fart, including an expulsion of faeces. This generates a very fetid odour which
chases the two away/.
Both: /covering their nose/ uuuhm! Run!
Grump: I’m nearly asphyxiated.
Frust: let us leave the fool to die in his sins. /The both leave the toilet door/.
Grump: /spits/ toil and rot in that toilet, rotten carcass!
Grump: my ticket to Bombey.
Frust: Bombey? Don’t tell me you are going to that toilet over there.
Grump: Of course, and don’t think about it because it’s got to be monopolized all but by me.
Frust: I see /both rush off to the toilet and bang/
both: who is inside?
Manager: I
both: you, who?
Manager: I said I, idiots? (Growls).
Frust: You better get out of there fast before I…
Grump: you mean, before I… /patting his buttocks/
Frust: /ignores him/ …before I explode everything here.
Manager: you’re free to come in and eat my shit, gall-gaud!
Frust: You’re waiting time. Open up!
Manager: out of service.
both: what! Frust: o God!
Grump: shit!
Frust: what’s your problem in there? Uhn!
Manager: I’m unable to dispense;
both: unable to dispense?
Grump: are you okay at all?
Manager: I’m having Jedi.
Frust: so you are out of service
unable to dispense
jedi, uhn?
Manager: o yeah!
Frust: o Abraham, Isaac & Jacob! You’re such a regal pain in the ass
Grump: /bends down holding his stomach screams/ yeah!
Manager: who is that?
Frust: a pregnant woman.
Manager: what? A pregnant woman?
Frust: yes, a pregnant woman. Right now, she is so pressed that she needs to give birth.
Grump: you imbecilic hog!
Frust: carrot-head.
Grump: gluttonous heifer.
Frust: hungry calf
Grump: how dear you?
Manager: but that’s a man’s voice.
Both: keep shut and do quick!
Manager: /after a short silence/ do you realise whom you are speaking with?
Frust: o yes, a monkish goblin dieing in a john of an acidulous monastery.
Manager: may God punish you!
Frust: and you too…
Manager: feed you with maggots.
Frust: back to the sender.
Grump: All of you shut up! I want to defecate here. Please
Manager: you can do that outside, naughty bag of fufu.
Grump: so you think you can talk ehn?
Manager: yes of course, as long as I’m the manager of this toilet right now.
Frust: common Grumpy, we waist too much time here. Go and get me that gargantuan sledge
hammer, so that we can break the damn door upon his shit face.
Grump: You mean the one we use for breaking rocks?
Frust: exactly
Grump: But I won’t be able to carry it.
Frust: why not?
Grump: my faeces have almost got to the pick of my bom-bom and if I should bend much to lift
it with much energy, I may pooh on my pant.
Frust: Lazy louse!
Grumpy: same to you.
Frust: okay, stay here and keep close tabs on the rotten doughnut, while I bring the hammer.
Just don’t let him escape /goes into the room to the room to bring the hammer/.
Grumpy: copy that!
Manager: what are you boys trying to do?
Frust: you wait and see /drags the hammer/.
Grump: now the saviour is come
Frust: Jesus Christ! This thing is too heavy.
Manager: I warn you. It’s better you bear with me till am settled.
Grumpy: for how long?
Frust: you leave him alone. I’m coming right there not to only break the toilet, but to also smash
him to pieces, so that even his fossils will never be seen for countless years, not even the
three- star palaeontologist would ever get to know it.
Manager: Please, don’t do that. I beg you don’t break this thing, that God may pardon
breaking you.
Grumpy: fairy tales /Frust gets to the door and attempts to break it/.
Frust: help me Grump. /they lift the hammer and hit it upon the door. There is a blast of the
manager’s fart, including an expulsion of faeces. This generates a very fetid odour which
chases the two away/.
Both: /covering their nose/ uuuhm! Run!
Grump: I’m nearly asphyxiated.
Frust: let us leave the fool to die in his sins. /The both leave the toilet door/.
Grump: /spits/ toil and rot in that toilet, rotten carcass!
Curtain
close
The
next day at Frust’s House
Frust: /singing as he eats his
acqua-mixed garri/
Ebi o eyi pe payan
Ebi o eyi pe payan.
{It does not take long till hunger kills one}. /Enters Grump with a very sad look on his
face/.
Grump: /exclaims suddenly like a pin-pricked, sorrow-stricken Igbo-business man, who just lost
his goods/. CHAI!!!
Frust: What is the matter Grump?
Grump: you can’t believe that I actually trekked down here to Iworoko all the way from school.
Frust: Why?
Grump: the ‘bank’ could not dispense.
Frust: which of the banks?
Grump: the UBA of course!
Frust: /bursts into laughter/ you mean the self-same Un-decondescending cocoon of a coconut-
carved coffin of some monster-smiling Bank Ass?
Grump: In fact right now, I’m thinking of selling the few materials I have to my class mates
tomorrow so that I can have some money to keep me bobbling.
Frust: Ah! May God save us from this Trojan dross.
Grump: See, Frust, what I will like you to do for me is to give me some strategies.
Frust: May they eat rat poison till their chubby chicks and bellies become swollen as a
parachute.
Grump: Frust!
Frust: I’m listening.
Grump: No, you’re not.
Frust: okay, tell me what you want us to do now.
Grump: How many of you? /coughs/ your ears are sand filled.
Frust: me?!
Grump: sorry- what I intend to say is that, I need to sell some materials- that I printed online-
to my class mates, so that I can have some change. Just give me few of those bad and
tight advices of yours.
Frust: oh you need some strategies right?
Grump: yes, I do.
Frust: first /caresses his bears, looks more mean as if a leader of an assassin group is about to
delegate on a very bloody murderous scheme. He clears his throat with a vibrating effect/
you must plug out one of your incisors. That one at that point /pointing/
Grumpy: what! How so horrible!
Frust: horrible or honourable? Which one
Grump: of course it is Horrible. Why will you tell me to plug out my teeth because I want to sell
those few things.
Frust: Cowardice! Sheer pusillanimity! Not too bezonian enough for the task. Simple
philosophy!
Grump: Philosophy? What sort of cow-shit philosophy is that?
Frust: let me tell you something: Once you appear before these people and open your ash
-coloured donkey teeth, then they will laugh and laugh such that they’ll be very
interested in you. Kabisa!
Grump: /confused/ but!
Frust: no but, my friend. It’s just a simple combination of an entrepreneurial stratagem plus
what I call a retroactive bio-psychological chemistry. Just use this to incur the sweet
wrath of their jocund hormones. And instantly, they’ll fall in love with you – the ladies,
in particular. After then, your little market will sell.
Grump: okay, tell me, how precisely do you think that will be?
Frust: correct! Now you’re pinging /coughs like a well-to-do old chap/ listen, you will find a
strong ruddy wood, with a glabrous mouth like those used in medieval England for
killing vampires or the one used by flagellants for thudding their flesh. Get it for me and
I’ll rax it very proximately into that part of your teeth /pauses a little/ hope you’ve
got no halitosis?
Grump: what’s halitosis?
Frust: disease of the teeth which causes bad breath.
Grump: no, and why did you ask?
Frust: I would rather prefer being slaughtered by the breath of a horse than would an
unwashed garlic spiced, worm-soil teeth
Grumpy: Frust!
Frust: what?
Grumpy: stop it.
Frust: Okay, fine, you get it and I’ll make a clean measure. I promise you, no Laputian tailoring
of such carpentry or carpentry of such a tailoring. Instead, I will prove what a
Bezaleel I am.
Grumpy: If this is the only advice you’ve got for me, I think I’m out of here.
Frust: /laughs/ Magnifico! Please wait, don’t go. /Grump tries to leave but he runs back quickly
having seen the manager followed by two police-men/.
Ebi o eyi pe payan
Ebi o eyi pe payan.
{It does not take long till hunger kills one}. /Enters Grump with a very sad look on his
face/.
Grump: /exclaims suddenly like a pin-pricked, sorrow-stricken Igbo-business man, who just lost
his goods/. CHAI!!!
Frust: What is the matter Grump?
Grump: you can’t believe that I actually trekked down here to Iworoko all the way from school.
Frust: Why?
Grump: the ‘bank’ could not dispense.
Frust: which of the banks?
Grump: the UBA of course!
Frust: /bursts into laughter/ you mean the self-same Un-decondescending cocoon of a coconut-
carved coffin of some monster-smiling Bank Ass?
Grump: In fact right now, I’m thinking of selling the few materials I have to my class mates
tomorrow so that I can have some money to keep me bobbling.
Frust: Ah! May God save us from this Trojan dross.
Grump: See, Frust, what I will like you to do for me is to give me some strategies.
Frust: May they eat rat poison till their chubby chicks and bellies become swollen as a
parachute.
Grump: Frust!
Frust: I’m listening.
Grump: No, you’re not.
Frust: okay, tell me what you want us to do now.
Grump: How many of you? /coughs/ your ears are sand filled.
Frust: me?!
Grump: sorry- what I intend to say is that, I need to sell some materials- that I printed online-
to my class mates, so that I can have some change. Just give me few of those bad and
tight advices of yours.
Frust: oh you need some strategies right?
Grump: yes, I do.
Frust: first /caresses his bears, looks more mean as if a leader of an assassin group is about to
delegate on a very bloody murderous scheme. He clears his throat with a vibrating effect/
you must plug out one of your incisors. That one at that point /pointing/
Grumpy: what! How so horrible!
Frust: horrible or honourable? Which one
Grump: of course it is Horrible. Why will you tell me to plug out my teeth because I want to sell
those few things.
Frust: Cowardice! Sheer pusillanimity! Not too bezonian enough for the task. Simple
philosophy!
Grump: Philosophy? What sort of cow-shit philosophy is that?
Frust: let me tell you something: Once you appear before these people and open your ash
-coloured donkey teeth, then they will laugh and laugh such that they’ll be very
interested in you. Kabisa!
Grump: /confused/ but!
Frust: no but, my friend. It’s just a simple combination of an entrepreneurial stratagem plus
what I call a retroactive bio-psychological chemistry. Just use this to incur the sweet
wrath of their jocund hormones. And instantly, they’ll fall in love with you – the ladies,
in particular. After then, your little market will sell.
Grump: okay, tell me, how precisely do you think that will be?
Frust: correct! Now you’re pinging /coughs like a well-to-do old chap/ listen, you will find a
strong ruddy wood, with a glabrous mouth like those used in medieval England for
killing vampires or the one used by flagellants for thudding their flesh. Get it for me and
I’ll rax it very proximately into that part of your teeth /pauses a little/ hope you’ve
got no halitosis?
Grump: what’s halitosis?
Frust: disease of the teeth which causes bad breath.
Grump: no, and why did you ask?
Frust: I would rather prefer being slaughtered by the breath of a horse than would an
unwashed garlic spiced, worm-soil teeth
Grumpy: Frust!
Frust: what?
Grumpy: stop it.
Frust: Okay, fine, you get it and I’ll make a clean measure. I promise you, no Laputian tailoring
of such carpentry or carpentry of such a tailoring. Instead, I will prove what a
Bezaleel I am.
Grumpy: If this is the only advice you’ve got for me, I think I’m out of here.
Frust: /laughs/ Magnifico! Please wait, don’t go. /Grump tries to leave but he runs back quickly
having seen the manager followed by two police-men/.
Enter Manager and two policemen
Manager: /pointing at Frust/ This is him.
Frust: him what?
Police1: young man, you’re under arrest.
Frust: /feigns fury/ under what?
Police1: no question please.
Frust: do you know who we are?
Police1: I don’t care.
Frust: In case you don’t know, we’re students of the faculty of law. Do you understand?
Police2: are you deaf? He said no question.
Frust: /quoting fictitiously/ according to the 1987 statement of judicature under article seven,
section twelve, subsection 29, it states that the victim of arrest must be allowed to make a
declaration of claim even before the accuser makes any claims against him (since it may
be calumny) and by no means must the force force the victim out of the victim’s claim
under any circumstance of incoherent wordlessness?
Officers: /shocked and bewildered/
Manager: Nonsense. Officers arrest them.
Frust: for what?
Manager: for knocking off my teeth out of service.
Frust: out of what?
Police1: you heard him.
Frust:/shouts with his mouth agape/ Lie! This is a woeful calumny. It can’t be
Grump: yes you are right.
Manager: officers! Arrest them now
Grump: you mean him.
Manager: him or him. Anyhow!
Grump: /Aside/ mad man!
Frust: /shouts acrobatically/ what do you think you are that you think you can just molest
anybody here?
police1: hey young man I think you have to come with us to the station.
Frust: you think? You’re not even sure.
Police men: you are under arrest!
Frust: /Furious/ I go no where. Besides, I have to call my father now.
Police1: who cares about your father?
Frust: the VPS, STD, LPC, VGC, SSS, SAN, VC, DVC, PSV, PSG, MFM, RCF, RCCG, BSF,
MMM…BSC, MA, MLA, PHD, 3rd generalissimo of the red dragon infantry division of
the Nigerian Army…In short, you let me go inside to bring out his identity card, so that
you know am not joking. /He enters the house and immediately escapes through the
window, running away/.
Police1: look! He is running away. /The second policeman runs after him/
Grump: /treads slowly like a kangaroo, attempting to run away/.
Police1: stop there!
Grump: uhn?!
police1: we’ll have to lock you up until your friend appears.
Grump: what did you say?
Police1: you heard me.
Grump: /as if unconscious/ what happened?
Police1: are you okay?
Grump: I…I…/as if trying to recollect something/ what am I doing here?
Police1: is this not your friend’s house?
Manager: arrest him before he throws you out of service. Be quick! Dispense! Or else, he will
swindle us like the other did.
Grumpy: oh you mean my friend? Now I remember.
Police1: hey young man, you are under arrest!
Grumpy: did you say that to him?
police1: who?
Grumpy: no wonder he tried to use the same magic on me.
Manager: /sweating profusely/ officer, arrest him!
Grumpy: /soliloquizing skywards/ he conjured me to get a sharp object with which to detach my
incisors…I was almost about…o God thank you for saving me.
Manager: /opens his mouth wide and shouts/ arrest him!
Grumpy: Bismillahi rakhmoni rahim! What the hell happened to his teeth!
Manager: knocked out of service.
Grumpy: by whom?
Manager: now officer, arrest him! /The police man holds Grumpy/
Grumpy: wait a minute.
police1: what?
Grumpy: remember I said my friend has been practising magic lately and I think that was what
he tried on me before you came. So…
Police1: so, what’s my own business with that?
Grumpy: anyway, just before we leave, I will advise that you check your little man (that is, your
man hood) to see if it is there or not, because, hmmmmm…(the policeman quickly
leaves him to unfasten his trousers. Very quickly, Grumpy runs away/.
Manager: officer, he his running away. Quickly, after him! /The officer tries to run after him,
but his trousers fall/. Come on! Come on! /He gets up, pulls up his trousers, but he
keeps doing this as he runs. The manager also runs after him (Grump)/.
Manager: /pointing at Frust/ This is him.
Frust: him what?
Police1: young man, you’re under arrest.
Frust: /feigns fury/ under what?
Police1: no question please.
Frust: do you know who we are?
Police1: I don’t care.
Frust: In case you don’t know, we’re students of the faculty of law. Do you understand?
Police2: are you deaf? He said no question.
Frust: /quoting fictitiously/ according to the 1987 statement of judicature under article seven,
section twelve, subsection 29, it states that the victim of arrest must be allowed to make a
declaration of claim even before the accuser makes any claims against him (since it may
be calumny) and by no means must the force force the victim out of the victim’s claim
under any circumstance of incoherent wordlessness?
Officers: /shocked and bewildered/
Manager: Nonsense. Officers arrest them.
Frust: for what?
Manager: for knocking off my teeth out of service.
Frust: out of what?
Police1: you heard him.
Frust:/shouts with his mouth agape/ Lie! This is a woeful calumny. It can’t be
Grump: yes you are right.
Manager: officers! Arrest them now
Grump: you mean him.
Manager: him or him. Anyhow!
Grump: /Aside/ mad man!
Frust: /shouts acrobatically/ what do you think you are that you think you can just molest
anybody here?
police1: hey young man I think you have to come with us to the station.
Frust: you think? You’re not even sure.
Police men: you are under arrest!
Frust: /Furious/ I go no where. Besides, I have to call my father now.
Police1: who cares about your father?
Frust: the VPS, STD, LPC, VGC, SSS, SAN, VC, DVC, PSV, PSG, MFM, RCF, RCCG, BSF,
MMM…BSC, MA, MLA, PHD, 3rd generalissimo of the red dragon infantry division of
the Nigerian Army…In short, you let me go inside to bring out his identity card, so that
you know am not joking. /He enters the house and immediately escapes through the
window, running away/.
Police1: look! He is running away. /The second policeman runs after him/
Grump: /treads slowly like a kangaroo, attempting to run away/.
Police1: stop there!
Grump: uhn?!
police1: we’ll have to lock you up until your friend appears.
Grump: what did you say?
Police1: you heard me.
Grump: /as if unconscious/ what happened?
Police1: are you okay?
Grump: I…I…/as if trying to recollect something/ what am I doing here?
Police1: is this not your friend’s house?
Manager: arrest him before he throws you out of service. Be quick! Dispense! Or else, he will
swindle us like the other did.
Grumpy: oh you mean my friend? Now I remember.
Police1: hey young man, you are under arrest!
Grumpy: did you say that to him?
police1: who?
Grumpy: no wonder he tried to use the same magic on me.
Manager: /sweating profusely/ officer, arrest him!
Grumpy: /soliloquizing skywards/ he conjured me to get a sharp object with which to detach my
incisors…I was almost about…o God thank you for saving me.
Manager: /opens his mouth wide and shouts/ arrest him!
Grumpy: Bismillahi rakhmoni rahim! What the hell happened to his teeth!
Manager: knocked out of service.
Grumpy: by whom?
Manager: now officer, arrest him! /The police man holds Grumpy/
Grumpy: wait a minute.
police1: what?
Grumpy: remember I said my friend has been practising magic lately and I think that was what
he tried on me before you came. So…
Police1: so, what’s my own business with that?
Grumpy: anyway, just before we leave, I will advise that you check your little man (that is, your
man hood) to see if it is there or not, because, hmmmmm…(the policeman quickly
leaves him to unfasten his trousers. Very quickly, Grumpy runs away/.
Manager: officer, he his running away. Quickly, after him! /The officer tries to run after him,
but his trousers fall/. Come on! Come on! /He gets up, pulls up his trousers, but he
keeps doing this as he runs. The manager also runs after him (Grump)/.
Curtain
close
Third Motion page
At
the bank
Frust: /tired waiting/ Hello, what’s going on?
Stranger 1: the machine is booting.
Frust: for how long has it been booting?
Stranger 1 it’s been a long while
Frust: /turns to the next stranger/ sir, do you also want to withdraw?
Stranger 2: yes.
Frust: how much?
Stranger 2: N1000. /The machine fully boots/.
Stranger 1: thank God /slots in his card. The machine rejects it and displays, ‘out of service’/
Stranger 1: o devil! /the machine loads again/ o God!
Stranger 2: it is better you don’t slot in your card again or else the ATM will seize it.
Frust: seize fire! Bros put the thing inside jare.
Stranger 2: he shouldn’t!
Frust: he should!
Stranger 2: he shouldn’t.
Frust: may be he should.
Stranger 2: don’t be rebellious, young man. /Stranger 1 is confused/.
Frust: I have a reason why he should.
Stranger 2L: like…
Frust: There are several possibilities obtainable, based on personal testimonies and experiences.
For example, the ATM would not seize his card if it were to go off, especially while his
card was just slotted in. It would only seize it if the user entered the wrong information
about the card, on the ATM. Besides, I’m not certainly convinced that the ATM would
seize his card, pursuant to its malfunctioning.
Stranger 1: /ignores them and starts transacting/
Stranger 2: but it actually happened to me some times ago.
Security: that could have been the ATM facing the security office
Stranger 2: what about the two ATMs outside the gate?
Security: they don’t.
/stranger 1 is done with his transaction, but his card does not come out instantly/.
Frust: /to stranger 1/ sir, what are you waiting for?
Stranger 1: my card. /They keep standing for almost ten minutes/
Frust: what’s happening?
Stranger 1: the ATM? /chuckles/ it will not eject my card if it is not 15minutes past.
Frust: what! You don’t mean it.
Stranger 1: /transliterating/ Stay there and be looking. I actually calculated the amount of
minutes the indisposed ATM took before ejecting the previous transactor’s card.
Frust: /surprised/ Holy Moses!
Stranger 1: In fact, after it was done ejecting it, it went off by itself, came on, and re-booted
once again. I fear, that is how the cursed thing shall be ad infinitum. /Forthwith, the
ATM ejects the stranger’s card, went off, came on, re-boots and both Frust-
astonied by the confirmation- and the strangers laugh/.
Stranger 2: imagine. Kai!
Frust: to be candid, this is becoming unbearable.
Frust: /tired waiting/ Hello, what’s going on?
Stranger 1: the machine is booting.
Frust: for how long has it been booting?
Stranger 1 it’s been a long while
Frust: /turns to the next stranger/ sir, do you also want to withdraw?
Stranger 2: yes.
Frust: how much?
Stranger 2: N1000. /The machine fully boots/.
Stranger 1: thank God /slots in his card. The machine rejects it and displays, ‘out of service’/
Stranger 1: o devil! /the machine loads again/ o God!
Stranger 2: it is better you don’t slot in your card again or else the ATM will seize it.
Frust: seize fire! Bros put the thing inside jare.
Stranger 2: he shouldn’t!
Frust: he should!
Stranger 2: he shouldn’t.
Frust: may be he should.
Stranger 2: don’t be rebellious, young man. /Stranger 1 is confused/.
Frust: I have a reason why he should.
Stranger 2L: like…
Frust: There are several possibilities obtainable, based on personal testimonies and experiences.
For example, the ATM would not seize his card if it were to go off, especially while his
card was just slotted in. It would only seize it if the user entered the wrong information
about the card, on the ATM. Besides, I’m not certainly convinced that the ATM would
seize his card, pursuant to its malfunctioning.
Stranger 1: /ignores them and starts transacting/
Stranger 2: but it actually happened to me some times ago.
Security: that could have been the ATM facing the security office
Stranger 2: what about the two ATMs outside the gate?
Security: they don’t.
/stranger 1 is done with his transaction, but his card does not come out instantly/.
Frust: /to stranger 1/ sir, what are you waiting for?
Stranger 1: my card. /They keep standing for almost ten minutes/
Frust: what’s happening?
Stranger 1: the ATM? /chuckles/ it will not eject my card if it is not 15minutes past.
Frust: what! You don’t mean it.
Stranger 1: /transliterating/ Stay there and be looking. I actually calculated the amount of
minutes the indisposed ATM took before ejecting the previous transactor’s card.
Frust: /surprised/ Holy Moses!
Stranger 1: In fact, after it was done ejecting it, it went off by itself, came on, and re-booted
once again. I fear, that is how the cursed thing shall be ad infinitum. /Forthwith, the
ATM ejects the stranger’s card, went off, came on, re-boots and both Frust-
astonied by the confirmation- and the strangers laugh/.
Stranger 2: imagine. Kai!
Frust: to be candid, this is becoming unbearable.
/A
lady enters/
Security: Hello sister, do you want to withdraw?
Lady: yes.
Security: why don’t you try the machines outside? They are well functioning.
Lady: no.
Security: what do you mean by, ‘no’?
Lady: No, of course.
Security: is anything wrong with the two machines outside?
Lady: Nothing much, at least they can sing and talk politely.
Security: /hisses/ is that what I…
Lady: the first choruses, ‘out of service, out of service’. Out of a good wee fit into a goodish
sheer shit, always out! Out! Out!
But the second –both Siamese- did ad lib too well (with the same mezzo’) saying ‘unable
to dispense, unable to dispense’. What a glorious chorale of nonsense.
Frust: /clasp his hand/ Fantastique!
Security: /silently exasperated/ what about the one facing the security office?
Lady: no network.
Security: I can’t believe this! Let us go to check it again.
/exit/
Frust: /laughs/ UBA!
Stranger 2: out of service.
Frust: UBA!!
stranger 2: unable to dispense.
Frust: UBA!!!
Stranger: no network, ATM switching off and on
Both of them: and booting!!!!
Frust: what else?
Security: Hello sister, do you want to withdraw?
Lady: yes.
Security: why don’t you try the machines outside? They are well functioning.
Lady: no.
Security: what do you mean by, ‘no’?
Lady: No, of course.
Security: is anything wrong with the two machines outside?
Lady: Nothing much, at least they can sing and talk politely.
Security: /hisses/ is that what I…
Lady: the first choruses, ‘out of service, out of service’. Out of a good wee fit into a goodish
sheer shit, always out! Out! Out!
But the second –both Siamese- did ad lib too well (with the same mezzo’) saying ‘unable
to dispense, unable to dispense’. What a glorious chorale of nonsense.
Frust: /clasp his hand/ Fantastique!
Security: /silently exasperated/ what about the one facing the security office?
Lady: no network.
Security: I can’t believe this! Let us go to check it again.
/exit/
Frust: /laughs/ UBA!
Stranger 2: out of service.
Frust: UBA!!
stranger 2: unable to dispense.
Frust: UBA!!!
Stranger: no network, ATM switching off and on
Both of them: and booting!!!!
Frust: what else?
/the
security comes in/
Stranger 2: Behold the front core
of the robot-door, fallen like old Job.
Security: /blurts/ what is wrong with you guys? Can’t you see it’s just being replaced?
Frust: Allhi amdullilahi!
Stranger 2: So we shouldn’t say, ‘Useless Bank of Africa?’
Frust: /looking at the machine still booting/ perhaps, we will have to wait for the ATM to regain
consciousness, before it takes Silas Marner’s seizure again.
Stranger 2: correct.
Frust: What a disenchanted lazar of a machine.
Stranger: correct.
Frust: ready for another 15minutes of techno-psychotic dementia, before it ejects our card
Stranger 2: correct.
Frust: then dies
Stranger 2: correct.
Frust: Resurgam like Jesus
Stranger 2: by our Holy Mohammed… Security: saluwale wasalam… Stranger 2: … correct
Frust: /ahems/ takes another fucking 15minutes.
Stranger 2: correct.
Frust: ad infinitum.
Stranger 2: /pretending to know the meaning/ correct.
Security: /blurts/ what is wrong with you guys? Can’t you see it’s just being replaced?
Frust: Allhi amdullilahi!
Stranger 2: So we shouldn’t say, ‘Useless Bank of Africa?’
Frust: /looking at the machine still booting/ perhaps, we will have to wait for the ATM to regain
consciousness, before it takes Silas Marner’s seizure again.
Stranger 2: correct.
Frust: What a disenchanted lazar of a machine.
Stranger: correct.
Frust: ready for another 15minutes of techno-psychotic dementia, before it ejects our card
Stranger 2: correct.
Frust: then dies
Stranger 2: correct.
Frust: Resurgam like Jesus
Stranger 2: by our Holy Mohammed… Security: saluwale wasalam… Stranger 2: … correct
Frust: /ahems/ takes another fucking 15minutes.
Stranger 2: correct.
Frust: ad infinitum.
Stranger 2: /pretending to know the meaning/ correct.
/The stage becomes suddenly blue.
There is a blast from the outside. As it happens, the two ATMs outside the bank
have been blown off. Men in black, cloaked like ninjas, rush into the bank. One
attacks the ATM facing the security post. An alarum is sounded. The security is
brutishly attacked and pummelled with a truncheon, koboko, and other flagellants, bandaged, while the stranger and
Frust are allowed to leave untouched. All over the bank, there are several epitaphs with the cross bones all
around them such as, WARNING, AND THOU
SHALL DISPENCE HENCE FROTH, BE IN SERVICE OR WE THROW YOU OUT OF SERVICE,
YES-NETWORK, ATM BAPTISM. Police siren is heard. The men disappear/.
Curtain
Closed
